I know this will probably sound terrible, but I can completely understand why someone would want to commit suicide. I don’t think anything is worth taking your own life over, but I understand why they would feel like that was an option.

Because seriously, over the past few weeks, I, as any of you ever read any of these ‘read more’ posts already know, have just been on some sort of downhill spiral and I have no idea why or how to stop it. I was just in the shower and started crying because I thought about how I was lucky enough to get the chance to go to a different country and have so many great experiences, but I chickened out and came home because I missed everyone so much. The worst part is that when I came back, everyone seemed to have gone their own way and now I feel more alone than ever. I honestly wonder if I should’ve just sucked it up and stayed.

I’ve felt like complete shit lately, and there’s this nagging sense of…I don’t even know. Failure? Loneliness? Lack of motivation? Whatever it is, I think about it constantly…and if something as simple as confusion and loneliness can turn me into such a mess, I can only imagine how someone who has a legitimate problem feels. I mean, there are people living on the streets, people in abusive relationships, people who are being relentlessly bullied, people who have literally no hope…but they’re still hanging on. 

My problems are so fucking trivial compared to theirs, but it still keeps me in this perpetual state of just…sickness. I don’t even know how to describe it, but I just want it to go away.

For any of you who actually read these, I’m sorry I keep posting shit like this. It’s like as soon as the middle of the night rolls around, my mind just goes rampant and if I don’t get it all out in the open somewhere, I feel like I’ll just explode.

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